It is now official, I am running for the office of the FIFA President. FIFA has the distinct privilege to govern the world’s most popular and talked about game. Even if you only know a little bit about association football, you can join a conversation with almost anyone in this world, even the in the United States.

However, FIFA has become a joke with its obvious and over the top corruption and archaic ideas. It is an organization straight out of the 1900s. Enough is enough. By electing me President, I will usher in a new age of governance and innovation, and with your support, I will lead FIFA as it joins most of the rest of the world in this millennium.

Here is the tl;dr version of my platform as FIFA President:

1. Increase the transparency, consistency, and fairness of FIFA:

  • Open up the books.
  • Establish term limits for the President and ExCo members
  • Create standards for spending requirements of money given to members. Ensure this information is public record and establish penalties for the members that violate them.
  • Financial Fair Play requirements established for all leagues.
  • No more blind draws to determine World Cup Pools.
  • NO MORE SECRET BALLOTS FOR ANYTHING. If the last FIFA election were public, would Blatter have been reelected that easily?

2. Establish the “FIFA World of Futbol Resort”

  • It is no longer a viable option for the host of FIFA tournaments to alternate between different countries. Economic studies show this to be a poor investment by the host country, unless the infrastructure already exist. (Just watch this.) In addition, the FBI allegations are showing the most corrupt aspect of FIFA is the bidding process for hosting World Cups. What I suggest is removing the bidding process completely by removing the hosts.
  • But how can this happen? No fear, I have a solution. FIFA should build a year round complex where all FIFA sponsored international tournaments are played. Think of it as Flushing Meadows (of US Open fame) but for futbol. Or Disney World for futbol fans.
  • It would consist of a main stadium (60k seats) with four more secondary stadiums (35k seats) and training fields. Also needed would be an airport, a bunch of hotels, restaurants, campgrounds, hostels, beaches, and the FIFA Hall of Fame.
  • A resort like this will take time to build, but would be ready for World Cup 2022.
  • It would make a crap load of money for FIFA.
  • On my watch, the women’s World Cup would never ever be played on artificial turf, because it’d be played at the FIFA resort - on the nicest natural surface the billions in FIFA’s coffers can buy.

3. Establish a consistent calendar for clubs and countries

  • There’s no need for clubs and countries to fight over players.
  • Establishment of an 8-10 week international period per year when all international matches are held.

4. Update the laws of the game for the 21st century

  • Establish a serious concussion protocol
  • Video replays for goals including onsides and offsides calls
  • There has to be a better way to end tied matches than penalty kicks. Has to.

5. Most importantly, I’d right the moral wrong and remove the 2022 World Cup from Qatar for their overt disregard of human life.

To conclude, it is my desire, unlike the deep down intentions of my eventual predecessor, to be the president of everyone. Therefore, I’m opening up this platform to the citizens of the planet to help me shape and improve these ideas. Thank you for your support and I believe that I can win.